Michael Phelps Once Listed Me As His Greatest Influence

After unnecessarily traveling out of the way to stay at the Logan Walmart, I head down to Salt Lake City. Two of my mother's closest friends, Ron and Polly, happen to live there and, having already met up with them on my way through Calgary, I eagerly anticipate having a place to sleep inside.

Ron and Polly are big fans of the Olympics. They have amassed quite the collection of Olympic pins and were able to turn that hobby into a profitable business when the Winter Olympics came to Utah in 2002. As is such, they decide to show me around the Salt Lake Olympic Park when I get into town.. I will delve more into my stay with Ron and Polly, and all of the interesting exploits we had in SLC (let's just say minds were blown, records were broken, and midgets were tossed) in future blogs. Today, I'd like to focus on my brief but overwhelmingly successful Olympic career.

As a 6'5" man of generous proportions, bobsledding has always been a passion of mine. Before the Salt Lake City games, I would psyche myself up by tossing Cool Runnings in the vhs player and scooting myself across the tile floor in a motion reminiscent of an unkempt canine. It paid off with a silver medal and a six figure endorsement with Big Rob's Big and Tall Store on third and main. This picture sure brought back memories.






Though bobsledding was my first passion, I am best known for my work in another sport. Time magazine once called me the "Michael Jordan of curling," only to later temper that claim by clarifying that they were referencing Jordan's baseball days and that curling was "no more a sport than chimney sweeping, and even less likely to get you laid; at least chimney sweepers scored with Mary Poppins." I found that to be a thoroughly unprofessional article. Still, I did win a gold medal back when I went by the pseudonym "Lars Vaagberg," and no magazine can ever take that away from me. You know, unless they fact check.Finally, some of you may remember me from my illustrious skiing career. Before it was cut tragically short by a nasty fall (see the picture to the left) I was generally considered to be "Bode Miller with less discipline." For the one person reading this that got that reference, you're welcome. Make sure not to miss the "Unnecessarily Obscure Comedy Show" when it comes through your town; I'll be opening for Dennis Miller.

For those of you who doubt my tales of Olympic stardom, all I can say is I feel sorry that you have to go through life with such a cynical viewpoint. For those who believe, I could really use a wikipedia page to commemorate my unprecedented achievements and ensure that the Lars "Don't Call Me Logan" Vaagberg Era doesn't fade into obscurity.