Home of the Whopper

It's time for another blog where I narrow down the meaning of life by eliminating one theory at a time. If I keep writing one of these blogs every couple weeks for the next three trillion years or so, this process should lead to a definitive conclusion to the ultimate existential query.

Of course, that's assuming I make no mistakes, a difficult task to maintain for two trillion years, let alone three. So before I feature a subject in a "Process of Elimination" blog, I have to be more confident of its ultimate irrelevance to higher understanding than an actress in a Sure deodorant commercial is in her ability to raise her arm without displaying embarrassing armpit sweat.

So far, I've eliminated pogs and the movie Gigli from my meaning of life search, and I don't regret dismissing either for a second. Today, I'm ready to add a third item to the list.

The meaning of life is definitively, indisputably, unequivocally not...

Cow tipping.

For those of you not familiar with the idea of cow tipping, it is the process of finding a sleeping cow, sneaking up on it, and pushing it down to the ground. Alcohol and bored Midwesterners are, in theory, also generally involved.

Now, I know what you're thinking. What could be more important to understanding humanity than mildly comical bovine abuse?

You make a good point. The idea of a large cow sleeping one minute only to find itself toppling to the ground the next does sound like a pretty good time. You know, unless you're a member of PETA, in which case I'm sure you never read this far into the blog because you're too busy trying to locate my van so that you may burn it to the ground in statement against the atrocities of my biting sarcasm. (Incidentally no animals were harmed during the writing of this blog.)

No animals are harmed by cow tipping either, however, primarily because it doesn't seem to exist. It turns out, cows don't sleep standing up; they merely dose. And they are easily disturbed. Especially the mad cows.

A team of Canadian doctors researched the logistics of cow tipping (and why wouldn't they?) and concluded that it would be nearly impossible to tip a cow, which actually contains a low center of gravity and a considerable strength advantage on all humans not named Chuck Norris.

It turns out cow tipping is generally considered a myth by people in the know. To research this theory, I went on youtube.com and searched for "cow tipping." If tipping a cow was indeed possible, it would certainly be featured on youtube. Alas, no such video exists. If there's a more damning way to disprove the existence of a fundamentally stupid act than the lack of an internet video clip, then I don't know what it is.

If anyone reading this blog is able to dispel the notion that cow tipping is a myth with visual evidence, I will gladly reconsider my stance. But until then, the verdict stands that cow tipping is udderly lacking in credibility and therefore can not be considered a viable candidate for life's meaning.

Puns are also not the meaning of life. I'd write another blog to express this view, but I think the "udderly" joke in that last paragraph did my arguing for me.

Until next time, this is Logan reminding you to tip your waitress, not your cow.