With His Teeth

Vegas keeps roping me in.

Like a Siren in The Odyssey, Sin City lures me back against my better judgment time and time again, only to punch me in the face harder than Chris Brown doing his best Ike Turner impression.

This time, I am invited to attend a college football bowl game between the University of Arizona Wildcats and the Brigham Young Cougars. A bunch of friends from high school, most of them Arizona alumni, are going to the game and, though I don't feel particularly strongly about either team, it seems like a good idea to visit some friends I don't get to see much these days.

My friends are staying at Imperial Palace, so I am instructed to meet them there. After circling the casino for about twenty minutes, I finally find oversized parking and head inside. It is night-time, and we're in Vegas, so the entire group is already drunk by the time I get there.

One good friend is already drunker than I have ever seen him. I'm talking overly-friendly-slurring-words-falling-down-all-hands-make-sure-he-doesn't-drown-in-toilet-water drunk. So drunk, in fact, that in between rounds of beer pong, he decides to bite my jacket, ripping a huge hole in the seam.

Now, when a girl rips a hole in your jacket, you've got a story you can be proud of. When one of your best guy friends does it, you hold it over his head, threatening to bring it up constantly, but knowing that it doesn't exactly put you in the most masculine light either. "Hey Buddy, remember when you ripped my jacket with your teeth?" isn't going into my wingman lines hall-of-fame.

But as awkward as it is for me, it is much worse for my drunken friend. Especially because he knows about this blog, and he knows that I am not the type to leave out important details, like the name of my friend who got so drunk that he ripped my jacket open with his teeth.

"You're going to mention this in your blog, aren't you?" he casually states the next day.

Sorry Buddy, but I have no choice.

Let's face it, on the gaydometer (it's the new gaydar), with a one being tivoing Grey's Anatomy, a five being having sex with another man, and a ten being attaining a high position in the government and fervently legislating against the rights of homosexuals, "ripping open another guy's jacket with your teeth" ranks a solid four.

It's just too strange/awkward/hilarious not to mention. But I will be leaving out my friend's name out of respect, and to avoid a strange/awkard/hilarious scandal should he ever decide to run for political office.

Plus, he paid for my buffet at Sweet Tomatoes to apologize which, come to think of it, is at least a seven.

Check back soon to learn why gambling, football, and Mormonism don't mix.