Towing the Line

When you live in your 1992 van and sleep in a different Walmart parking lot every week, you have to accept that you're going to have some days when you're woken up by cops pounding on your door.

When you live in your 1992 van and you're woken up by cops pounding on your door, it's usually a good sign to leave town.

When you're leaving town and said town is in the desert, and you live in your 1992 van, there's a good chance that at some point on your trip, large clouds of steam will spew from your engine and your van will stop moving.

When large clouds of steam spew from your engine and your van stops moving in the middle of the desert, it's probably best to get towed to the nearest town.

When you get towed to the nearest town and realize all of the mechanics are closed on the weekends, the smart thing to do is to have the tow truck driver park your van at a shop and wait for the weekend to pass.

While you're waiting for the weekend to pass, there's a good chance that the man selling various goods out of the back of his truck across the street will approach you with advice.

When that man approaches you and explains that in his opinion the clouds of steam only happened because your radiator cap was off and, since the van seems to be running now, the smart thing to do would be to keep driving it until you can get to the nearest city, which happens to be 188 miles away...DO NOT listen to that man.

When you DO listen to that man and find yourself fifty miles down the road and eighty miles from the next town, its not going to feel good when your van stops working again, forcing you to pull over onto a narrow shoulder of a high speed thoroughfare.

When you find yourself on the side of the road, calling yet another tow company, chances are you'll find that most insurance companies don't cover a second tow for the same incident; you'll also likely discover that eighty mile tows in the middle of the desert aren't cheap...much like auto repairs.

When you're loudly cursing your luck and hoping that the passing traffic doesn't hit your home/vehicle/piece of shit, be prepared to talk to the highway patrolman who will inevitably stop by.

When that patrolman comes by to investigate, be prepared to take a breathalyzer test for absolutely no good reason, pass it with a 0.00, and then have the patrolman eye you up and down with a "I can't believe this guy isn't drunk" look on his face.

When he gives you that look, be sure to politely thank him for his help; you never know who might be pounding on your door to wake you up tomorrow.