"Have...fun...and...be...safe," one of them reads off of the van with all of the vigor of a dyslexic fourth grader. "What the fuck?"
The next thing I hear is a loud splat on the side of the van. Grabbing my shoes, I hop out of the van to see what happened. By the time I do, the group is speeding away. I look to the source of the noise only to realize that one of them had tossed a cup of ice and blue Powerade at the van.
Ah, yes...the "that's fucking gay" faction of society. I have never been able to understand this mentality. It's different, therefore it deserves immediate scorn.
I can't imagine how I would ever get to a point in my life where disrespecting a complete stranger's property would seem like a good idea. And if I did, I would like to think I would come up with something more creative/meaningful/masculine than a Powerade attack.
Still, I'm insecure enough to know that I don't want those vandals, should they be curious (unlikely) or should they have a thirst for reading (less likely), to stumble upon my blog and read yesterday's poem first. It's a nice little poem, but definitely not something that would win over a "that's fucking gay" type.
No, I need something crude, obnoxious, and entirely without merit. That's why I'm bringing back "This is Gonna Be Huge."
Here's how it works: As an homage to the popular double entendre "that's what she said," I will periodically invite guest bloggers to compete with me in a battle of inappropriate wits. I will introduce five topics, and each of us will come up with a relevant "that's what she said" line for each topic, with an honorable mention thrown in for good measure.
Tonight's guest blogger will be Derek Fulcher, a good friend who I've known since the third grade and an aspiring anesthesiologist. As far as I know, he's never thrown Powerade at my van.
Let's get started.
The Academy Awards:
Logan- This is going to be even bigger than The Golden Globes.
Derek- Look at all those hunky guys coming down the red carpet!
Honorable Mention- I'd like to Milk your Slumdog.
The Economy:
Logan- Bad things happen when Fannie and Freddie get together.
Derek- I doubt Obama's package will be able to stimulate me (and my family).
Honorable Mention- That's the last time I give Bernie Madoff what he wants. / I think Bernie Madoff just screwed me.
The Internet:
Logan- I need to get off; I think I just got a virus.
Derek- It sure is taking you a long time to log-in (to my site).
Honorable Mention- You should really check out Myspace.
Great Philosophers Throughout History:
Logan- Speak softly and carry a big stick. (Theodore Roosevelt)
Derek- I think dudes who bite jackets after drinking heavily are hot. (Derek Fulcher)
Honorable Mention- From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned. (Immanuel Kant)
What? I said Kant.
And before I finish...
The Snuggie:
Logan- I'm able to do things in bed with my hands I never thought possible!
Derek- I don't think I can fit my arms in there (without some help).
Honorable Mention- (Direct quotes from the promotional video on getsnuggie.com)
"Blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide, and when you need to reach for something, your arms are trapped inside."
"Super large. One size fits all."
"With Snuggie, you can get up and still stay warm."
"You can snuggle your baby in your arms, or keep your pet close at hand."
"Now you can do what you need to and stay totally warm."
As always, thanks for coming.
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