Tony Montana Deserves Better

It's time for another installment of everyone's favorite blog, "Finding Meaning by Process of Elimination." We've already discovered that the meaning of life has nothing to do with pogs. Now it's time to rule out something else in my quest for nirvana.

Once again, the rules are simple. I can not rule out anything as the ultimate meaning until its cosmic irrelevance leaves me more confident than David Hasselhoff at a German swingers convention. This time, I am ready to dismiss...Gigli.

The movie Gigli has absolutely nothing to do with the meaning of life.

Here are the facts:

+ It is widely considered to be one of the ten worst films ever made, yet remains overrated.

+ It remains to this day the film containing the worst acting performances of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. That's saying something. That's like having the worst venereal disease at a budget brothel.

+ Despite being absolutely ludicrous, the film lacks the ability to entertain with its campiness and incompetence, instead remaining simultaneously boring and flabbergasting for its two hour duration.

+ It is a slap in the face to lesbianism. Lopez's character changes sexual preference like she were changing clothes. And she converts for Affleck, marking the second time (Chasing Amy) that lesbianism lost out to the charms of Ben Affleck. If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

+ The movie manages to make Jennifer Lopez in her prime unattractive, an unpardonable sin. At one point, while working out, she decides to seduce Affleck. So she spreads her legs, glares at him with flirtatious eyes, and delivers the following line with a straight face:

"It's turkey time. Gobble gobble."

To the movie's credit, Affleck did not respond with, "Cock-a-doodle-doo."

All of this would simply make Gigli simply another awful movie if it weren't for the ultimate unpardonable sin: they dragged Al Pacino and Christopher Walken into this mess.

You don't mess with Serpico.

Therefore, I find that Gigli is irrefutably devoid of meaning and can under no circumstances be considered existentially relevant.

If anyone wishes to argue this point, I'm willing to take my case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary, beacause not only is Gigli not the meaning of life, I'm pretty sure it is unconstitutional.

Gobble gobble.