Next Week, I List the 42 Most Influential Plumbers of the Modern Era

Every year, Santa Claus, in order to find out who is naughty and nice, makes a list and checks it twice. Dude is capable of delivering presents to all of the children across the world in just one night (well, all of the Christian children whose parents have money) and he still feels the need to utilize a list.

That's because lists have become such an ingrained aspect of our society, so essential a part of our culture, that we couldn't live without them. If lists went away the financial market would fall apart, natural disasters would run rampant, and bastions of freedom would randomly pursue preemptive wars in faraway lands. And who wants that?

So today I celebrate the eleven (I'm coming DL) reasons why lists are to be celebrated.

1. Without lists, we wouldn't have VH1. List shows comprise exactly 98.2% of that network's programming, and without them, we wouldn't know nearly as much about Flavor-Flav's dating habits. Those list shows are just so damn watchable. I can't wait until they come out with a show detailing the 50 best list shows on VH1. That's something I'd definitely watch if I was bored and nothing else was on.

Related note: I remember one weekend in senior year of college, all four of my roommates and I sat down to watch an episode of "I Love the 70s" over breakfast. It turned out to be a marathon, and none of us could look away. Before we knew it, it was dark outside. This is how I explain the fact that I've been homeless twice since graduating from college.

2. High Fidelity. This movie turned lists into a way of life. As I see it, a pretty fantastic way of life. To honor it, I present a list within this list about lists, detailing the top 5 John Cusack movies (not to be confused with the top 5 movies with John Cusack in them) of all time:

1. High Fidelity
2. Say Anything
3. Grosse Pointe Blank
4. Better Off Dead
5. 1408

3. Maxim's "Hot 100 List." An endless source of enjoyable debate and yet another excuse to look at attractive women wearing very little.

4. Lists are a fun way to start debates and settle arguments. What better way to show a friend your opinion is better than his than by citing a published article in a reputable magazine that lists your preference higher than his. Where I'm from, that's called, "List Serve."

5. American culture is all about striving to be number one. But you don't get to be number one if there is no number two. And three. And four. And five. And six. And seven. And eight. And nine. And ten. And eleven. And twelve.

I bet you thought that was going to stop before it did. Well, you don't get to be the number one blogger through conventional methods.

6. Without lists, there would be no way to put the truly great and the truly horrible things in life in their proper perspective. Sure, that call by the referee on Monday Night Football was incompetent, but was it among the 10 worst calls of all time? Yeah, the mustache that guy on the bus was sporting was remarkable, but could it be considered among the 50 most influential mustaches of the modern era? These matters need their proper place in history, and lists allow for that to happen.

7. Lists are easy to write and easy to read. All I'm saying is that we're both winners here.

8. Remember when you went to the grocery store to buy eggs, got sidetracked in the magazine aisle, saw a bargain in the produce section, and suddenly remembered you are low on paper towels? If you'd made a grocery list, you wouldn't have come home with a trunk full of groceries and no eggs.

9. "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." That's top notch Victorian poetry by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. You may see it as a passionate poem about love, but I see it as a clinical poem about the importance of lists.

Once again, ladies, I am single.

10. If lists didn't exist, you would not be reading this sentence, and your mind would not currently be blown.

11. Bucket lists are a pretty cool thing. I realize the concept has been tarnished recently by a movie which squandered the considerable talents of Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, but it's a pretty amazing idea when you think about it. Why wouldn't you make a list of the things you want to accomplish in a lifetime and then do your best to fulfill it? In fact, my advice to you is to finish reading this blog, make your own personal bucket list, and then start working to cross items off that list.

Seriously.

What are you waiting for?