Logan's Guide to Safe and Selective Homeless Walmarting

A friend recently pointed out that in trying to find the meaning of life, I also unwittingly embarked on a quest to visit every Walmart in existence.

Because of Walmart's liberal policies towards overnight parking, I have made the superstore my home in virtually every town I stop in. By my estimates, I have now slept outside somewhere between 15 and 3,457 Walmarts in the past few weeks. As is such, I feel it only fair to share my expertise to would be travelers who wish to stay at Wally World, "the happiest place on earth, so long as you don't mind the blatant exploitation and occasional death of a sacrificial puppy to the Gods of Low, Low Prices."

I present to you "Logan's Guide to Safe and Selective Homeless Walmarting." Don't bother stealing that name; I'm already in the process of copyrighting it. The following is an overview and ranking of three Walmarts located in different areas of the country as they pertain to safety, shopping, and transparency of evil.


Las Vegas Airport Walmart

Endearing Trait That Made Me Hate It:

It is located right next to McCarran International Airport. Literally, right next to the airport. As in, planes flew directly over my head while I was trying to sleep on a nightly basis. Why not stay at one of the 47 other Walmarts in Vegas, you may ask? That's why nobody likes you. You ask too many questions.

Safety Level:

Because of its proximity to the airport, this is the safest Walmart in the country. Airport employees searched me every time I entered or exited my van. The safety was nice, but it was annoying to take my shoes off every single time, and I thought the cavity searches were over-the-top. Come to think of it, that guy might not have worked at the airport.

Transparency of Evil:

There were very few obvious signs of evil at this location, most likely due to the gravitational pull of all things evil to the nearby casinos.

Low Low Price That Made Me Ignore the Evil:

You know those fuzzy dice you can hang over your car's rearview mirror? Three for $5.95.

Safe and Selective Homeless Walmarting Rating:

4.5 out of 5 Ruined Small Businesses






Sacramento Ghetto Walmart

Endearing Trait That Made Me Hate It:

Located in the very worst part of town, this Walmart comes complete with a really fun drinking game called, "Count the Police Sirens."

Safety Level:

The best thing I can say for it is that I am still alive. Of course, I only stayed there two nights.

Transparency of Evil:

Women employees here are forced to wear company shirts that say, "Ask me why I make less than my male peers" on the front and "Because my husband told me to" on the back. All three panhandlers who sleep by the dumpster out back used to have successful businesses where the Walmart now stands, but rarely get to stay there due to numerous arrests for "potential shopping cart thefts." The severed head of a union president is impaled on a stick outside customer service to ward off future "team member complaints."

Other than that, the evil is pretty well hidden.

Low Low Price That Made Me Ignore the Evil:

They sell Arnold Schwarzenegger bobblehead dolls at cost.

Safe and Selective Homeless Walmarting Rating:

2 out of 5 Glocks






Renton Freeway Walmart

Endearing Trait That Made Me Hate It:

This Walmart is located in northern Washington at the confluence of three major freeways. It is therefore always ridiculously crowded and ridiculously wet.

Safety Level:

It rained so much that my van floated into the Pacific Ocean. Thanks to the crowds, this did not cause me to lose my spot in line. There are lifeguards present, but most of them end up getting trampled by the neverending mosh pits in the "Young Men's" department.

Transparency of Evil:

Three members of congress shop here regularly. So yeah...pretty evil.

Low Low Price That Made Me Ignore the Evil:

The flash floods are a good thing when you consider that Kawasaki Jet Skis sell for $23.95 plus tax.

Safe and Selective Homeless Walmarting Rating:

3.5 out of 5 Disenfranchised Women







Once again, I'd like to thank you, Walmart, for your gracious hospitality. You're like a bad parent to the teenager inside me; I don't respect you, but I refuse to rebel from you entirely because your lax policies make my life slightly more convenient.

And that makes you sorta family.

So there you have it. If you ever find yourself living in a van, traveling across the country, and searching for an easy place to stay that only slightly increases your chances of going to Hell when you die, make sure to set up camp at Wally World.

You won't regret it.

Unless, of course, you will.