Chain of Fools

Toll booths. Mayonnaise. Car alarms. Limericks. Cow tipping, Gigli, and pogs.

What do these all have in common?

They've all been systematically proven by yours truly to not be the ultimate meaning of life. Now, I present the newest inductee into the Existential Irrelevance Hall of Fame: Chain Letters.

You know chain letters. They're those annoying messages that threaten bad luck or bodily harm if you don't immediately forward the contrived, manipulative, and/or get-rich-quick message presented to everyone you know.

These damn things are everywhere these days. Originally just a random nuisance for the postal system, chain letters are now prevalent in emails, on social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook, and even on cell phone texts.

They are a waste of space, time, and brain cells.

Still, spam's retarded cousin shows up everywhere I look. And not once has a chain letter ever brought anything but a frown to my face.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A million people die every day from not knowing the meaning of life.

You can save those people!

Forward this blog to ten of your closest friends immediately or you will have the worst week of your life! :(

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


See, they're even annoying in parody form.

Seriously, what compels people to create these things? Are we that starved for attention? Do we really have nothing better to do with our time? Is there anything on the planet more ridiculous?

Things I have more respect for than chain letters include, but are not limited to:

+ Scientology stress tests.

+ Pauly Shore's career.

+ The reign of Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, a man whose human rights atrocities were overshadowed only by his legendary cannibalism.

I know what you're thinking. You think I'm overreacting. You think that chain letters, while indisputably annoying, are ultimately harmless, at least when compared to an ethnic cleanser and the star of Biodome.

To that, I do not argue about the poor hard-working schlubs who have been conned out of money from get-rich-quick pyramid schemes. Nor do I argue that the misinformation common in these messages is systematically dumbing down our society.

No, I simply bring you this message, straight from the official web site for The Make-A-Wish Foundation, in an entire section devoted to chain letters:


"Each day, the Make-A-Wish Foundation and its chapters receive hundreds of inquiries about chain letters claiming to be associated with the Foundation and featuring sick children. However, we do not participate in these kinds of wishes.... The time and expense required to respond to these inquiries distracts the Foundation from its efforts on behalf of children with life-threatening medical conditions, and more importantly, can divulge information that is potentially harmful to a child and his or her family."

That's right. Chain letters are interfering with the dying wishes of sick children.

Daily.

Take that, Idi Amin.