The Winner, By Way of Technical Knockout

Ask anyone who knows him, and you will hear that nobody tells stories like my great uncle Ray.

Unless, of course, you were to ask my great aunt Lavetta.

She is constantly correcting Ray, and vice versa, as they share with me the veritable encyclopedia of information they have gathered throughout their travels. They have been traveling in various RVs for decades, often as "full-timers."

The couple has been to every state in the Union except for Vermont. They claim this is due to a lack of interstates in Vermont, but I think they might just hate maple syrup.

Ray and Lavetta currently live in Salem, Oregon and I have a great time visiting them. Not only do they offer a wealth of stories, but they are always good for a new card game nobody else has ever heard of or an old classic game like Zonk or Whist.

I always enjoy playing cards with family. It gives me a chance to abandon my normal polite form and talk trash like it was my job to hurt people's feelings. I learned this tactic from my grandmother, Leola, who despite being the daughter of a minister and the kindest person I've ever had the privilege to know, always managed to turn into a ruthless card shark when it was time for a game and remained so well into her nineties. She is 96 now and, though she doesn't play cards any more, she still gives me a look every now and then that clearly says, "Think you could take me in a game of hand and foot? I'd like to see you try without crying like a little girl."

I also enjoy my visit because Ray has amassed quite the impressive garden and Lavetta makes pies, jams, and jarred vegetables that would make Wolfgang Puck jealous. In my two and a half day visit, I gain somewhere between two and three hundred pounds. Unfortunately, I am not the only one who enjoys Lavetta's food.

I am currently transporting six jars of green beans and jams in my crowded vandominium for the next two months because I was threatened with physical harm if I didn't bring Lavetta's food through Arizona for my aunt Dana.

Dana has severe back problems and may not weigh over a hundred pounds soaking wet, but the family consensus is that if a fight broke out in regards to Lavetta's green beans, Dana "could take me."

"Easily."