How to be a Good Househusband

“I, Crafty, take you, Kyle, to be my playa wife. To recycle and repurpose together; to get the record straight…to be real and intentional; to realize that circumstance and situation are merely illusion, and the meaning of life is about knowledge, and understanding of self, and Morgan Freeman.”

Crafty and Kyle are the first friends I make at Burning Man. I only know them because they saw me walking by in a dust storm the first day and selflessly offered me an extra pair of goggles. Before I could thank them, they were off to the camp across the street, rushing to help their neighbors when a canopy crashed in the wind.

So when they invite me to their “playa wedding” later in the week, I am happy to not only attend, but to also act as a videographer. Thankfully, Burning Man weddings are not legal, but that doesn’t stop this particular wedding from being special. Kyle and Crafty have been together since they met online four years ago. They plan to get married for real later this year.

In the meantime, their Burning Man wedding is a joy to behold. Couches and chairs are set up at a nearby theme camp and dozens of spectators and friends are in attendance. The ceremony comes complete with two makeshift bands, a store-bought wedding cake, and a minister. Though to be fair, the minister is dressed in boxers, a playboy robe with no shirt, and a bowtie. He pronounces them man and wife by “the power invested in me by wikipedia.”

The minister provides a great deal of entertainment with his ceremonial speech. He has discovered a 1955 article from Housekeeping Monthly instructing a housewife on how to properly please her new husband. In the spirit of fairness, he amends the article to instruct Crafty on how to please his new wife.

“Have dinner ready. Even plan ahead the night before. This is a way of letting her know you think about her all day and are concerned about her needs.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes or so to rest so you’ll be refreshed when she arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. She has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay to make it more interesting for her. Her boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Listen to her. You may have a dozen important things to tell her, but the moment of her arrival is not the time. Let her talk first; remember, her topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Don’t ask her questions about her actions or question her judgment or integrity. Remember, she is the master of the house.”

All kidding aside, it is a touching ceremony, proving that two people in love can have a beautiful wedding no matter how many members of the audience are sporting s and m costumes. Kyle’s vows are genuine and touching, and it is clear that she and Crafty share a deep connection. She even sports the tears one would expect at a traditional wedding, though her outfit is slightly more risqué than the typical wedding dress.

The happy couple feeds each other cake as various guests start to autograph Kyle’s bare midriff. After a public make out section, the two are off to ride the closest thing Burning Man has to a limousine to get to the closest thing Burning Man has to a hotel. They are clearly having the time of their lives.

I am happy for Crafty and Kyle. There’s a long road ahead for any marriage these days, and Burning Man can’t be the healthiest start to a successful union, but I really hope they make it through together in this crazy world of unimaginable joy, unquestionable sadness, and Morgan Freeman.