Septemberfest Just Doesn't Have the Same Ring to It

Portland is a beautiful city. Driving into the heart of the town is highly recommended if you should ever find yourself in the Pacific Northwest. The Willamette River runs right through downtown Portland and provides the perfect backdrop for the industrial feel permeating the heart of the city.

Portland is very difficult to drive through because the entire time I am driving I find myself wanting to sneak a peek at the river and the impressive skyline and the various bridges spanning the area. It is the hardest city to drive through since St. Louis, although the only arches to be found in Portland are golden, representing not a passage to the West, but rather a blocked passage in your artery.

Speaking of eating yourself to an early death, (mental note to self: work on your transitions) I decide to head to the nearby small town of Mt. Angel for their annual Oktoberfest. This is an event where a bunch of Americans get together to celebrate German heritage by trying to emulate the sixteen day festival held each year in Munich.

The festival originally started in Mt. Angel when the town officials decided that the world would be a better place (a perfect society, if you will) if everything was more German.

(Look, I'm not above Nazi jokes. Do I wish I was above Nazi jokes? Sure. But it's important to know your limitations. Just ask the Third Reich... Damnit. Did it again. I blame Burning Man.)

These are the highlights of the Mt. Angel version of Oktoberfest, which of course ended before October:

+ the highest per capita collection of wiener dogs in the Western Hemisphere. If Paris Hilton had attended, I am certain she would have accessorized with a dachshund in her purse.

+ a veritable smörgåsbord of unhealthy food. Fried twinkies, curly fries, and various forms of giant sausages are displayed prominently, but pretty much anything heart attack friendly is available for a reasonable price (assuming you have good health insurance).

+ booze. Lots and lots of booze. The festival offers a festival pass into various "gartens" for a nominal fee. This basically means the ability to buy alcohol and to watch various German musical acts ranging from yodelers to polka performers.

There are two inevitable strategies for maximizing a "garten's" potential:

1) Consume an unhealthy amount of alcohol, then take in the German musical acts.

2) Take in the German musical acts, then consume an unhealthy amount of alcohol.

Remember, the Germans are famous for their affections for David Hasselhoff, pop star, so I highly recommend strategy #1 over strategy #2.

Either way, make sure to survey the ground for wiener dogs as you stumble home. I'm pretty sure dachshunds are bred for tripping drunk people.

And if not, they should be.

Hey, at least I didn't make another Nazi joke.