You Should See His Roundhouse Kick

The walls of my childhood bedroom were adorned with posters of NBA superstars. Magic Johnson flashed his trademark smile right above my desk while Shaquille O'Neal stared down menacingly from the ceiling. When I opened my closet door, Grant Hill was always there to remind me of the virtues of drinking Sprite.

My favorite poster featured one of the NBA's all-time imposing defenders, Dikembe Mutombo, or as the poster read, "Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo." It dubbed the shot-blocking phenom "Master of the House," and Mutombo's intense stare more than sold that title. I'm not sure why I chose to hang that particular poster right next to my bed (maybe I liked the poster design, maybe I was subconsciously choosing Mutombo to watch over and protect me as he has protected the rim for so many years, maybe reading Dikembe's full name was cheaper than buying hooked-on-phonics), but for most of my formative years Dikembe Mutombo's face was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep and the first thing I saw when I woke up.

So it's no surprise that I grew up viewing Mutombo as a larger than life figure. The thing is, unlike most childhood sports icons, Mutombo actually deserves to be viewed as superhuman. He is uniquely remarkable in his achievements as an athlete and a person and to compare him to other Georgetown legends such as Patrick Ewing and Alonzo Mourning or even NBA greats such as Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain does a disservice to Mutombo's off-the-court feats.

No, the only comparison that seems apt for Dikembe is to a fictional character, the legendary Bill Brasky. Brasky gained fame on Saturday Night Live as friends and acquaintances alike would gather in bars, airports, and Holiday Inns to regale each other with tales of Brasky's bizarre and fantastic triumphs, among them breastfeeding John Madden, driving an ice cream truck covered in human skulls, and using his foreskin as a tarp for Yankee Stadium. Bill Brasky.

Unfortunately, thanks to a clever internet campaign, Chuck Norris has taken the reins as the Bill Brasky of a new generation. I suggest that the wrong man was crowned and humbly submit to you Mutombo's unrivaled resume:

+ He stands over seven feet tall, hails from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and sounds exactly like the Cookie Monster when he talks.

+ Dikembe is multilingual, speaking fluent Luba, Lingala, French, and English as well as dabbling in Spanish, Portuguese, and three more African languages. AND HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THE COOKIE MONSTER WHEN HE TALKS!

+ Not only did President Bush mention Mutombo in his 2007 State of the Union Address, but he even pronounced his name correctly.

+ Mutombo's vicious elbows are legendary for hurting players throughout the league, including those on his own team! Quotes from Houston Rockets teammates after a Dikembe elbow gave teammate Tracy McGrady a concussion and broken eye socket:

"Deke's like a tornado. He sets a destructive path." -Former Coach Jeff Van Gundy

"It's a very impressive list (of victims). I think Deke sits in the locker room and sharpens them (his elbows) up." -McGrady

"I need to talk to Coach to have Dikembe held out of practice, because if he hits somebody in practice, it's our teammate. At least in the games, it's 50/50." -Yao Ming

+ Video Game Dikembe Mutombo is by far the most entertaining player to control when playing a buddy in NBA 2K8. Sure, he's incredibly slow, but he can still block shots, and every time Video Game Mutombo makes a good play, you can effectively taunt your friend by loudly yelling, "Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo!" a move guaranteed to fluster even the most seasoned video game veteran. This taunt is second only to…

+ The Mutombo Finger Wag. After each block, Mutombo wags his finger at his opponent as if to say, "you are inferior to me," which the opponent undoubtedly is.

+ In the midst of a winning streak, the Houston Rockets lost All-Star Center Yao Ming for the season to injury. They replaced him with The Congolese Cookie Monster (I'm petitioning David Stern to make this his official nickname) and not only did they not miss a beat, they went on to amass the second longest winning streak in NBA history.

+ Mutombo is a legitimate humanitarian, working tirelessly to improve conditions in his native land and spearheading the construction of a 29 million dollar hospital (much of it funded by Dikembe himself) near his hometown of Kinshasa.

What was Chuck Norris doing at the same time?

Campaigning for Mike Huckabee.

I rest my case.