2009 Is Going to Be a Struggle

My New Year's resolution this year was going to be to get in better shape, but that's such a cliche that if there were a school full of cliches, all of the other cliches would make fun of that cliche for being such a cliched cliche, to the point that that cliche would lose self confidence, gain weight, and spend every New Year's resolving to get in better shape.

So I'm definitely planning on getting in better shape next year, but I'm not calling it my New Year's resolution. Instead, I'm making a list of eleven resolutions I will be making for the next year.

So in 2009, I resolve to:

1. Get no more than 3 DUIs. (This one should be easy, because after two, I'm pretty sure they take your license away.)

2. Physically assault fewer midgets than I did in 2008.

3. Quit referring to little people as midgets.

4. Take at least seven showers, three of which will include washing my hair, and one of which will include conditioner.


5. Stop practicing voodoo on patients at nearby children's hospitals.

6. Avoid writing threatening letters to Cat Fancy magazine for not publishing my stories.

7. Write a quality apology to the Locks of Love charity for sending them three garbage bags filled with my back hair and demanding a king's ransom in return.

8. Make more reasonable demands to the police when taking hostages.

9. Sell significantly less heroin, crack, and PCP to members of the clergy.

10. Write an end-of-the-year blog that does not involve New Year's resolutions.

11. Find the meaning of life.