Such a list could never be complete without including the bane of my existence, the essence of evil, the condiment that should be condemned...mayonnaise.
I can't stand mayonnaise. It is by far the worst "food" in the history of the world, and I'm including cannibalism in said history.
I hate mayonnaise so much that if I order something at a restaurant and it comes with mayo on it, I'll send it back. I hate sending food back, because waiters and cooks have it hard enough without picky customers. I don't entirely begrudge the waitress that spits in the food of a rude customer. However, when it comes down to it, I'd rather eat a sandwich with spit on it than a sandwich with mayonnaise on it, so I send it back every time.
Hatred for mayonnaise is a unifying force. Mention mayo to ten people and at least three of them will turn away in disgust. It evokes stronger emotions than any food around. I have bonded with many a person over a mutual hatred for mayonnaise. I would submit that if Family Feud were to survey 100 people asking what their least favorite food was, mayo would be the runaway number one answer.
That's not to say that mayonnaise doesn't have its fans. Plenty of people think that mayo is a fine condiment.
They are wrong. Patently, certifiably, one hundred percent wrong.
I have painstakingly researched the history and intricacies of mayonnaise to provide a mayonnaise manifesto, proof that it is worthless and existentially irrelevant. I have broken this research down into three categories, each containing several interesting and informative facts.
As always, all of my research is entirely true, except for when it is not.
Reasons why you should dislike mayonnaise:+ It's really hard to spell. Catsup, on the other hand, provides two correct variations to spell it. You tell me which condiment is more user friendly.
+ On a scale of one to ten on "how fatty is this food?" with mixed greens being a one and German chocolate cake being a ten, a jar of mayonnaise is a solid 3,876,492.
+ According to a random website I stumbled upon (or as I like to call it, "a reliable source") it takes 14 minutes of active aerobic exercise to burn off one tablespoon of mayonnaise.
+ Diet mayonnaise is even grosser than regular mayonnaise. (I'm pretty sure that's mentioned in the bible somewhere. Old Testament, I think.)
+ Regardless of what you may hear from Hellmans and Kraft (or as I like to call them, "Big Mayo") mayonnaise has absolutely nothing to do with the mayo clinic.
+ Wikipedia, which is painstakingly edited by the poet laureate to maintain presentable prose, describes mayonnaise as "whitish-yellow in color" and "a stable emulsion formed from oil and yolks." Sounds delicious.
Things I would rather eat than mayonnaise include but are not limited to:
+ Rocky mountain oysters.
+ Anything that's ever been consumed for prize money on "Fear Factor."
+ Mickey Rooney's earwax.
+ Veal.
+ Live baby cows.
+ Undercooked Hot Pockets.
+ Soylent green. (That's right, two cannibal jokes in one blog. Jeffrey Dahmer, eat your heart out!...On second thought, don't.)
Little known facts about mayo:
+ It was the favorite condiment of the guy who shot John Lennon.
+ Thirty-five percent of the Berlin Wall was made with mayonnaise.
+ Seventy-three percent of American divorces stem from mayo-related arguments.
+ Eighty-three percent of annoying percentage-based statistics are brought to you by the same guys that make Miracle Whip.
+ Mayo is the official condiment of FEMA, the WNBA, and Scientology.
+ Hitler was a happy-go-lucky artist until he ate a tuna salad sandwich that sat out too long in the German sun.
He was never the same after.
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2 comments:
I'm glad someone finally posted the truth about this abomination of a condiment. I look forward to your condemnation of sour cream.
Marmite is worse.
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