So You're Going to Freeze to Death...

As I huddled in my van, staring out at an ice storm, wondering if I was going to make it through the night, I made myself a promise:

"If you live to see the morning," I told myself in a melodramatic tone that would make the cheesiest soap opera star jealous, "Swear to me that you'll write a blog to the millions of children you inspired to travel around the country in vans. If you survive, you must share your wisdom on how you lived to see another day. Do it for the children goddamnit!"

Okay, so none of that except for the ice storm is true; that doesn't change the fact that there doesn't exist a definitive guide to surviving impossibly cold weather while living in a van. You know, unless there does. I was going to fact-check, but then I realized that fact-checking is hard, so I'm just going to assume that such a guide doesn't exist.

And so, I bring you "So You're Going to Freeze to Death: The Do's and Don'ts of Winter Van Safety." My only regret is that I couldn't make it into an instructional video complete with cheesy 1980's graphics and awkward yet inspirational background music.


When living in your van in the heart of winter:

DO use as many blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags as you can find. And I do mean "as you can find." Anyone who's going to look down at you for grabbing a comforter out of the dumpster behind Bed, Bath, and Beyond was probably already going to make fun of you for living in your van anyway.

DON'T use a Snuggie. Especially if you're a grown man. It's just embarrassing for everyone involved.

DO get rid of normal dating policies, like "no fat chicks." Other people provide warmth during long cold nights, and more pounds equals more warmth. It's simple physics.

DON'T call up your ex. It's cold enough already.

DON'T make too many misogynistic jokes in your blog. Otherwise, the only warmth you'll be getting is from girls that don't know what misogynistic means.

DO wear socks when you go to sleep. If you forget, you'll wake up with toes that are whiter than an Osmond family reunion.

DON'T wear flip-flops. Flip-flops plus black ice equals unintentional pratfalls. I unfortunately know this from first hand experience.

DO turn the engine on to warm up the car. Turn the radio on the soul station and warm yourself to the soothing, dulcet tones of Marvin Gaye.

DON'T leave the engine on overnight. The only thing worse than a dead battery is a dead driver from carbon monoxide poisoning. (Note to self: carbon monoxide poisoning is a dead end source for punchlines.)

DO use your best judgment. If you think you're going to actually freeze to death, find a local shelter or 24 hour Walmart.

DON'T walk half a mile in the freezing cold to buy gloves, only to find that the mall has closed because of the bad weather, only to return to a Starbucks that is also closing down early. Although the anger resulting from this will likely warm you up temporarily. There's a reason they call a mad person "heated." Have you ever seen The Incredible Hulk wearing a parka? I rest my case.


And finally,

DO check the weather forecast before driving to a new location that might have bad weather. Enjoy it, Weather Channel; this is the last recommendation you'll probably get from someone born after 1942.

DON'T drive to Dallas during an ice storm. You know, unless you're into that sort of thing.