Holy Billboards, Batman!

Driving through Texas, I happened to spot a billboard that I can't get out of my head. Normally, when designing a billboard, the idea is that drivers can't get it out of their heads, but the reason I can't get this particular billboard out of my head is because it haunts me.

It is a tapeworm in my brain, a "brainworm" (copyright projectmeaning.com 2009) ingesting the knowledge and rational thought necessary to function properly. In fact, it is the worst brainworm I've had since I couldn't get the South Park movie's soundtrack out of my head while taking the ACTs.

The billboard was for the First Baptist Church and contained no pictures. It was just a black sign with a few words in white. Just a simple quote. And yet, I feel confident that I can find at least five things disastrously wrong about it.

The billboard reads:

"You think it's hot here?"
- GOD

What's wrong with that, you may ask? Off the top off my head:

1. It is both presumptuous and arrogant for a billboard to speak for God. In fact, I bet God didn't even say that.

2. If God did happen to speak to the makers of the billboard, I would like to think he could come up with something better than a corny weather joke. This makes me worry that God might have a hand in writing Jay Leno's monologues.

3. First Baptist Church seems to not so subtly be telling passersby that they have a pretty good shot of going to Hell, which would make me think twice about visiting. I know if the McDonald's billboard right after it had told me to go to Hell, I wouldn't have had that Big Mac.

4. The billboard doesn't know what it wants to be. Like a bad movie that tries to be a comedy one minute and a drama the next, thus failing to be either, this billboard left me unfulfilled. If you think I'm going to Hell, is it appropriate to be joking about it? And if I do end up burning eternally in fire and brimstone for not joining the First Baptist Church, isn't it unfair that I'll now be stuck with the ridiculous thought of "you know, that billboard was right; this is hotter than Abilene, Texas?"

5. As I drive past, there is snow on the ground from one of the worst ice storms in northern Texas in quite some time. So no, I do not think it's hot here.

Well, that was easier than I thought. Now it's your turn. I did a little research and discovered that the whole "quoting God billboard thing" is a whole cross-country campaign and includes a wide variety of quotes from "God." I'll post some of my favorites here and you feel free to compile a list of the problems behind each one.

+ The real Supreme Court meets up here. -God

+ Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

+ Do not murder. -God (That has to have saved a few lives at the last minute, right? I can just imagine a guy driving to kill a family of four who happens to pass this billboard, causing him to turn the car around, proclaiming, "Well, I'm glad someone let me know.")

+ Words matter. I hear every careless word you say. -God

+ Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

+ My word is sufficient. Beware of those who add to it or subtract from it. -God (Now that is a steaming pile of irony if I've ever seen one.)

+ Evolution is the mythology of fools. -God

+ Don't make me come down there. -God

That last one's my favorite.